Hinagiku Daily

So… yeah, basically it. I wanted to resume this blog and it had to be with a negative mind, hope it improves as the posts continue to go on.

I thought to write about some things I loved february, but no, life as always kicks me in the face when I’m optimistic.
I moved to Uruguay almost a year ago after a major family problem. I had two jobs, had economic stability and friends, and I thought ” if I’m doing well in Venezuela, I can make it in another country” so, I followed my mother and came here.  I planned to get a job, study the career I long to study and, you know, have the social life I was used to have.
Almost a year later: I have  no job, no friends, no money and no hope. Even having the national citizenship, I’m mistreated and told that I am a foreigner almost everywhere I go. It is noteworthy to say that three generations of my family (on both sides) were born in Uruguay.

I have an extensive curriculum wich almost no one believes because of my age. And for this people, I’m not even qualified to be a maid when, I have a bachelor degree. And so I thought “well, I’ll try to apply for a Master course of the Erasmus Mundus, since my older was chosen for a scholarship”, and he helped me with my application and stuff.

Since I was waiting the response, I thought of joining the opera school of Uruguay. I went to the audition and was not selected. The director said “Do come here the next year, you will get in surely”. And said that there was not enough applicant spots. After being completely depressed for 3 days I did put myself together and waited for the Erasmus Mundus again.

And so, today I received a mail from the Director of the mastercourse saying I “have not been awarded a place on our programme.”
It sucks to be me right now. Big time.

Hello me, it’s me again. It’s been like almost two months since the last time I wrote here… A lot of things happened, and a lot of things kept the same. 
The only thing sure is that i have 40 days left here in Venezuela tops.

This week I finished working at the institute as a teacher. And I’ll quit my other job the  second week of mach. That’s quite a really good thing, I’m not focused at all.

My family desintegrated. My grandmother hates me for supporting her daughter; my mom. For not following the devious mind of her sick son. My brother is still rebellious and doesn’t want to move with us to Montevideo. Did I also mention that all plans I had for this month are spoiled? My dad and my brother came over to live with me until I have to hand over the apartment. Really sucks. Also, I have to cover up my tatto, so my father doesn’t tell me I’m satanic or something like that (wich I’m obviously not).

As for my love life… my personal life; I feel so empty… As I’ve said before, I know some guys like me and are willing to bear with me for this month I have left, but in the other side… I’m not sure I want to go out with them. Actually, someone proposed to me the other day and I was like: thanks, but no thanks.

The fact that all december and part of january I slept accompanied made me very lonely. If I’m not to the point I can’t be awake anymore, I don’t want to go to bed. I really want to be hugged tightly until I fall asleep, but my insecurities and my low self esteem are worse than ever to the point I can’t ask someone to do so.

Until nextime, farewell.

Hey me… I just need somewhere to put my thoughts on… 

I’m tired, even breathing is painful. I’m so disappointed on life… on people. of my own little brother can betray everyone, then who I can trust?

Will I ever be able to be happy? Everything crumbles down my feet. Whenever I can taste a little, just a little bit of happiness, just a glimpse, everything turns even darker than it was.

This I’ll say it’s against everything I believe, but I really don’t want to live anymore.

The only thing that stops me it’s the little bit of faith and my morals. For the rest, I would be long gone by now.

I’m tired of swimming against the tide… Maybe the best is just desappear with the flow. Let my mind go away, be a living carcass… an empty shell.

The only thing I wanted was my family to be united. To forge a future, together.

And I hate myself right now, because even when my problems are so big, I really want to be with you, I want you to hug me and tell me everything will be allright. Even when I don’t know if I’ll ever see you when I move out. Even when it was nothing, it made my heart feel again. I don’t deserve your kindness. I don’t deserve your caresses. I deserve nothing for you do me so much good. You made this woman happy for the last time. But it doesn’t matter, you won’t read this anyways.

This is just the confession of the me who is down in sorrow, who is drowning in despair. This is the me who wants to die.

I forgot this blog, because I’m someone of few words. But I really have to drain this and I can’t be that much of a selfish one to make some of my loved ones to carry the weight of my dark thoughts. I don’t know if I’ll write anymore. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

Farewell

Hello there me, it’s me again :3 *forever alone smiling* -hahaha-

Today was a hard day… I had a fight with my little brother because he doesnt respect me or any authority. I’m tired of his “I know all” attitude.

So I was taking him to the movie theater when he started challenging and doubting everything I said. Obviously, I’m the evil and the wrong one for telling him things traight and applying discipline (verbal discipline, obviously). So at the end he went to my grandmother’s house and he’s actually making such a big fuss that he’s staying over.

I really love him, he is my brother after all, but he has to do something with the way he interacts with people. So that’s why I’m not taking back my word this time.

Funny fact of the day: I’m watching the new chapters of the big bang theory and it’s funny because there’s a character called Alice and she’s pretty much like me -hahaha-. Also, I can’t believe how people go through the same relationship problems as me.

So, my thought of the day is: false pride it’s a mask that saves you from a lot of sadness. 

Until tomorrow, farewell. Hinagiku. 

Hello there, myself :3

Today: today I was weak again (yeah, sorry for not being stable in a good way. So I remembered lots of stuff. Many about how I friendzone almost everyone and how strange my relationship with friends with bennefits are. 

So… it’s true, I complain a lot about being alone, but how would it be? I don’t like people beside me trying to get me. And in other way, I feel it’s comfortable being alone. 

And that brings me to the tought of the day “Oh, please don’t do that to yourself” Because I know some dudes like me, but I’m sorry, right now I can’t return any feeling. Life made me skip about 10 years of my life; yes, I’m 22, but it’s like I’m the mother of my 14 y/o little brother, and I have to take care of the house and such. So I’m not too much into going out and forgetting my duties. Oh! how I miss the times when I was just the middle kid and the only responsability I had was to study.

I feel like breaking down a lot of times (like 5 or 6 days of the week) because I’m not ready and there’s too much pressure. Also, I’ve been having problems controlling the alcohol I consume. Because of it and I got severely drunk two times. Yes, I regret it. A lot. Why did I do that? Because it’s too easy, being with friends about your age, to remember how it was when you lived like they do. Careless and protected.

I went out today. I do preffer going out with my friends that with just a dude and their friends. Drank just a little and thankful of being home. BTW, my pimple desapeared :).

With my little bro at halloween, made him a skull.

Until tomorrow, farewell. Hinagiku. 

So I thought a little about it… since I’m really bad keeping track of things and I spend almost all day in front of the computer, why not trying a blog?

Even if nobody reads it, so what? I can put my thoughts here and practice my writing in english.

Today! This week, more likely. I’m very weak emotionally because I’m trying to heal this year’s scars. This past few days I’ve been thinking about a friend I held dearly in my heart. This friend without a single world walked away. A friend of his told me that I was important to him and that he preffered to walk away than to hurt me… 

Up to this very day I thought of him lowly. I thought “I wasn’t important, he’s just a dick and left me weaker when I needed to be strong” or ” He’s a coward”… well, maybe I still think that he is a dick and a coward; but now I kind of understand why he acted like he did.

I suddenly remembered some talk we had about his relationship with someone else and he said something like “She’s important to me, so I preffer to walk away”. So maybe I can believe what his friend said.

Even though I understand it, I can’t share it; for I’m the kind of person who preffers the naked truth. So I can’t forgive him because it seems that he didn’t knew me at all. Even if he wanted to talk to me again, I won’t be able to accept him, even when I still hold dear the memories I have of our friendship. Why? I needed his friendship and he wasn’t there (I personally hate that shit).

Here’s one tip about friends; some people prefer friendship bounds over all. Don’t think you’re the last coke of the desert or you have a golden dick. And also; people can get confused about fraternal love and couple love.

So this is my silly thought of the day. OMG I wonder if I took a little too much medicine xD For I have this big pimple in my nasal tract and it hurts. Wonder if anybody have had it even once. It’s the worst thing that have happened in my life in a long time >_<